If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
