wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
