wanna go halves on a baby?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
