And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Pooping to opera.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
