someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
