mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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