Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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