Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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