His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
