I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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