I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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