Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize