she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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