there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
