she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
