I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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