can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
