The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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