I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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