Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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