i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
