I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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