i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
