i already hear my dad disowning me
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My liver just had a heart attack.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
