you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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