so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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