Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
