I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
