1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
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Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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