My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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