If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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