is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
