The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
