You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
