The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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