I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
