Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
