I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
