DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
