the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
