Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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