uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
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