I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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