You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
