Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
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I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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