hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
