I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
