She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I love you. Go after that dick
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
