if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
