This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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