I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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