All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
