It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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