im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
