When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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