I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
