the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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