someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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