I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
