the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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