Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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