My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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