I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.