Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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