i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
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I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
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It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.