My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?