Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
