First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
