Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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