trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
